Give kindness over chocolates 🍫 this Valentine's Day 💘

Valentine was a priest in Rome and was martyred on 14th February in the year 269 (that’s an awful long time ago but we still remember him).

Some legends tell us he annoyed the emperor because he performed weddings of young men to help them dodge the draft. The emperor wanted single men as soldiers so they would not be distracted from getting themselves killed on the battlefield because of the wife and kids back home.

Trust your colleagues! - They run homes, clubs and much, much more

I have heard workers complain that their manager or colleagues do not trust them to make decisions.

It's easy for those with management positions in hierarchical organisations to be seduced into thinking that because they have a title and more pay they therefore know more about a subject.

Why you shouldn't use the word "why?"

As I walked past an alcove at a major hardware store recently I overheard a manager addressing the assembled team of about 20 workers. In a loud accusing voice he berated one or more of the team members saying:  “Why would you do a thing like that!"

Accentuate the positive

A local government worker I met recently was most despondent. His performance appraisal was such a bad experience that it made him want to quit work completely.

Are you a "Mother Hen" Manager?

Mother hen managers can find it difficult to trust that some people in their team can do the task well enough...

Mental Health Awareness Week | The healing power of listening

Jackson Shewry an Auckland detective who suffered depression and anxiety told his story in an interesting NZHerald article on Monday.

He was surprised that he suffered depression and anxiety because everything else in his life was going so well. 

Tuesday TUF Tips | Contain your own Emotional Response

Every single time Janine came into Susie’s office Susie felt her gut turn. Janine was high maintenance...

Tuesday TUF Tips | How to have a great one-on-one conversation at work

Tuesday TUF Tips | Go slow to go fast

Three surprising insights about listening and encouraging others to talk.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Relationships before agenda

Three surprising insights about listening and encouraging others to talk.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Distance brings us closer

Three surprising insights about listening and encouraging others to talk.

Tuesday TUF Tips | The Fragility of Privilege

People in powerful or dominant positions can easily fall into the trap of believing that the rest of the world thinks the same way as they do.

Upcoming Workshops | Dealing with Difficult People

Register now for our upcoming workshops this August 24th and 31st.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Listening when you are in a Position of Power

A company owner said to me recently, “when you hold a position of power, you can be deceived into thinking that you know more about the topic than you actually do. People act as if you know more because you are the boss”.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Good Listening is Better than Taking Drugs

We're all familiar with that warm fuzzy feeling we get when we have a positive connection with someone - but what does it all mean?

Tuesday TUF Tips | Good Listening is Contagious!

Did you know, that when you smile and attend to somebody by listening, you activate the mirror neuron receptors in their brains? 

Tuesday TUF Tips | What external influences are affecting your listening?

A study on sentencing judges found that the judges were more lenient after taking a break, or early in the morning.

In quoting this study, Dr Emily Beausoleil of Massey University Wellington suggested that at these times when you are relaxed and not so stressed you will be more sympathetic to hearing what the other person is saying.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Listen so that others will speak

Dr Emily Beausoleil of Massey University at a recent talk asked the Wellington branch of Human Resources Institute of New Zealand; What can you do differently to listen so that others will talk about what is important to them?

Tuesday TUF Tips | Slow Down, to Listen Well

Julie came barging into her manager’s office. “OMG – we have a crisis. The customer at the counter is very upset and I don’t know what to do?”

Tuesday TUF Tips | Good Listeners Don't Get Sucked In

Setting boundaries is a real challenge if you want to build strong relationships with colleagues, especially if you are a manager. 

Tuesday TUF Tips | Monkeys on Your Back – A Trap for Caring Listeners

How many monkeys are on your back?

A listener can be tempted to take on the problems of those they listen to. They can end up carrying everyone’s problems without realising what they have done.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Listen - Don't Rescue

I was doing a big ‘download’ recently with a friend. I seemed to have a jumble of problems that I needed to name out loud. At first he offered a suggestion to each thing I said: “Have you tried this…” or “It could help if you …”

Tuesday TUF Tips | The Power of Listening

Listening can be the hardest part of a being a great manager or colleague.

There is always a lot going on in the other person’s life that they are trying to understand, make sense of and cope with.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Step out of the Blame Game

 Marilyn the manager was exasperated.

“If we can’t blame people for screwing things up how are we ever going to hold people accountable? The place will descend into chaos” she moaned.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Who's to Blame?

Why blame is such a silly thing to do!

In a sales training workshop I was running a participant argued that if he made a mistake with an order it was his fault, and his fault alone. I had been teaching systems thinking and how blame was not helpful for business.

Tuesday TUF Tips | Blame... Don't Do it!

Whose fault is it!!? Who’s to blame!!?

Heads should roll!!!!

Tuesday TUF Tips | How do you Say Sorry?

Tuesday TUF Tips | Acknowledge the Emotion

A man walks into … his manager’s office. His face is red, hands shaking and eyes nearly popping out of his head. He is mad about something! “This new directive is just nonsense!” He roars.

You don't need to fight! Here's how you can switch your brain from emotional to rational.

A couple are commuting to work in their car. There is an easiness between them as they drive along the highway. She, quite innocently, raises the unresolved issue about the high cost of their upcoming holiday.

He experiences this question as an attack. He tenses up and goes silent. That's his usual way of coping when emotions like this arise in him. In that moment he thinks of her and this question as 100% the cause of his uncomfortable feelings.

How One Man Defused a Situation with One Very Simple Skill... 

It's very easy to respond to aggression with aggression... but what if we reacted differently?

Personal problems at work cause stress

John Kirwan was one of the most devastating wingers that New Zealand and world rugby had ever seen. A prominent and revered figure at the dawn of the professional age of rugby, he seemed to live a charmed life. But he did have personal problems at work.

Workplace bullying - even the word causes stress

Workplace bullying is destructive. Some people act in a 'bullying way' when they are understress. When teams have training in emotional intelligence and gain the skills to manage heightened emotions there are fewer problems with bullying.

Angry customers - the unseen hazard

 On Monday 1^st September 2014 an extremely distressed client walked into the Work and Income office in Ashburton, New Zealand, and shot two of the front line workers. 

All the staff at that office were working under stress and the client was even more stressed. None of them had the skills to manage his anger over time until he finally cracked and the results were tragic. While the harm done in this situation was clearly visible and extreme, there are many workplaces where the damage from stress is not so obvious, but can be nearly as destructive.

Workplace stress - a health and safety issue

Health and safety - law and mental stress.

Laws tell us that we must keep workers safe and healthy at work, this includes avoiding mental stress. Managers can be proactive in reducing workplace stress through a well organised workplace, and by training themselves and their teams to communicate well when emotions are raised.

November 2017 Public Workshop Wellington

The next public workshop will be held on

Thursdays November 2nd and 9th 2017

Three things you can do when someone asks for advice

(Reading time: 3 minutes)

Two keys for good relationships and customer service.

The two key things that make a successful long-term relationship and help in customer service.

Improve your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) a concept first coined by Daniel Goleman, can be learnt and improved.

Say 'NO' to zero tolerance in customer service

In a recent review of the TUF Online Training program the writer was pleased that I did not advocate zero tolerance: not letting customers swear or show any kind of aggression. Organisations with a zero tolerance policy towards customers tell people not to swear. If the customer persists in swearing they terminate the call or stop serving them and ask them to leave the premises.

You don't have to fight!

The biggest challenge in dealing with difficult situations is to first of all manage your own emotional reactions to them. It is easy to see the other person as difficult and to blame them for your uncomfortable feelings. Acknowledging and accepting your own feelings to yourself is an important first step to making a positive response to someone who you find challenging.

Computers can't do customer service...

Turning towards, against or away

Three actions that help or hinder happy holidays.

Valentine's Day 2013

Whatever you may think about Valentine’s Day there is a degree of excitement around. I heard people renewing their vows to their partners on the radio this morning. People give red roses, chocolates, special meals and many other signs of their love today.
Anything that get’s people to relate better to each other is good in my book. Building positive relationships needs to be worked at. Just as with a loving relationship you need to say and do things to let the other person know they are loved, respected and valued.

Weak apologies are poor customer service

A story in the Dominion Post this morning (February 4, 2013) sparked my interest. It is fifty years since a young man, high on alcohol and tranquilizers shot two policemen in cold blood.
He served over 11 years in jail and another 10 years on probation and has since lived a productive life, it would appear. He is now 77 year old with children and grandchildren. I have no quibble about his punishment and am delighted that he has done well with his life.

Bad customer service stories

The supplement in last weekend’s Dom Post in Wellington (Saturday 26 January 2013) had a feature about the terrible customers that turn up in hospitality settings and the often equally nasty things some workers do to get back at them. It was a story full of horror and negativity.
People who work in customer service, especially in hospitality can get jaded. Customers can be very difficult especially if they are affected by alcohol in bars and restaurants or highly anxious such as when travelling.

Hearing the unspoken request

Another missed moment at the luxury resort which said they were ‘all about YOU” 
The housekeeping staff were very friendly and pleasant of course. When my wife mentioned to the cleaner that there were bits of white fluff on the carpet from something we had dropped she replied "Don't worry, I'll give it a good vacuum when you go".

It's all about YOU - the customer, Yeah Right!

I recently stayed at a luxury resort as a birthday gift from my family. It was a lovely place and we had a relaxing time except for one thing that I was struck by.
Their by-line was "We're all about YOU". Great I thought, I will be looked after here.

Empathy stronger than gun law reform

Adam Lanza the gunman who caused such carnage in Newtown Connecticut was a loner. It was difficult for people to show him empathy and difficult for him to receive it. But that is what he needed most from the ordinary people around him.
While changing the gun laws will restrict access to these lethal weapons and may reduce the number of incidents of shootings in America, changing the way we show empathy is a more sustainable way to change the hearts and minds of others and make the world a safe and peaceful place.

Convincing others and handling their objections

Here is a TUF tip when speaking to individuals or to a group of people in a meeting, especially about new projects that you are wanting to introduce.
When someone asks a question or puts up an objection, you will have more chance that they will listen to you if you acknowledge the feeling or concern that is most likely behind that question. Be aware of their emotion, even if they don’t express it fully.

Workplace Communication: Simple or Complex?

A controversy in the news today concerns the publicist for the ACT Party, John Ansell, who sacked himself because the party wouldn’t use some of his copy in their advertisements. Leader Don Brash said he was tempted by some of the statements John Ansell used, but in the end toned them down. John Ansell claimed the whole party are cowards because they won’t speak ‘the truth’ about what is going on.
Without getting into the details of the controversy, here are two things we can learn about workplace communication and community dialogue from this incident.