Parent – Adult – Child, The Three Ego States
Every time you respond to another person you are making a decision about how you will think, feel, and act. Often that decision is unconscious. It may have been made many years ago, even when you were a child.
This is the best way for me to handle this kind of situation.
Some of those early decisions, while they may have worked OK back then, don’t get very good results today. Take these scenarios, for example.
Scenario 1
Client: ‘You should take all those rules and regulations and chuck them in the lake!’
Customer Service Representative, reacting indignantly: ‘Look, if we don’t enforce them the council will.’
Scenario 2
Ratepayer: ‘This is a waste of ratepayers’ money. You should be doing more useful things.’
Customer Service Representative, a little embarrassed and unsure: ‘I’m only doing what I’m told.’
Noticing your reactions
It can be difficult responding to people who are angry, upset, or agitated. Noticing your own reaction to other people can be the first step to change. You don’t have to keep repeating the same unsatisfying patterns. Transactional Analysis provides a model for conscious change. The three ego states model (Parent-Adult-Child) gives us a handy way of understanding ourselves and others.
What are ego states?
They are sets of related behaviours, thoughts, and feelings that occur in a person consistently.
What’s the Adult ego state?
If I am behaving, thinking, and feeling in response to what is going on around me here and now, using all the resources available to me as a grown-up person, I am said to be in my Adult ego state.
What’s the Parent ego state?
At times, I may behave, think, and feel in ways which are a copy of one of my parents, or of others who were parental figures for me. When I do so, I am said to be in my Parent ego state.
What’s the Child ego state?
Sometimes I may return to ways of behaving, thinking, and feeling that I used when I was a child. Then I am said to be in my Child ego state. The Parent and Child ego states are echoes of the past. The Adult ego state relates to the present – here-and-now situations. How can I distinguish Adult from Child or Parent ego states? Ask yourself, ‘Was this behaviour, or thought, or feeling appropriate as a grown-up way of dealing with what was going on around me at that present moment?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then that response is Adult.
We need the good in all three Ego states
For a healthy and balanced personality, we need all three of our ego states.
- We need the Adult for the here-and-now problem-solving we use to tackle life in a competent, effective way.
- To fit comfortably into society, we need the sets of rules we carry in our Parent.
- In our Child ego state, we have access to the spontaneity, creativity, and intuitive power we enjoyed in our childhood.
The Parent and the Child ego states can become a problem if we react from them unconsciously to here-and-now problems.
Most difficult customer or client interactions will mean the customer is probably in their Parent or Child ego states. If we are in a Parent or Child ego state as well, then we won’t be able to do much business.
The challenge is for you to become conscious of your own Parent or Child reactions to so-called ‘problem people’. Then you can choose to relate to them from your Adult ego state. In doing so, you invite them to relate to you from their Adult ego state as well, which is where most business is conducted.
You may need to make an initial response from the Nurturing Parent ego state. You recognise their distress in some way. You show empathy. Then you move to the Adult ego state and begin problem-solving.
Scenario 1
Client: ‘You should take all those rules and regulations and chuck them in the Lake!’
Customer Service Representative (Nurturing Parent): ‘I guess you get really frustrated with all the rules and regulations you’ve got to follow. At times they can seem a burden, can’t they?’
Client: ‘They sure are. Bloody stupid most of the time.’
Customer Service Representative (Adult): ‘Uh huh.’ [Pause] ‘What can I do to help you with this problem?’
Scenario 2
Ratepayer: ‘This is a waste of ratepayers’ money. You should be doing more useful things’
Customer Service Representative (Adult): ‘You want to make sure your money is well spent’
Ratepayer: ‘I sure do. I pay enough in rates.’
Customer Service Representative (Free Child then Adult): ‘Fair enough. Let’s see if we can sort this out quickly for you.
Question: Which is the ego-state most useful for conducting business?
You can visit any of these topics previously covered by clicking on the link below:
1. APE
2. Drama Triangle
3. Complexity at Work
4. I’m OK, You’re OK