We’ve all had moments where emotions take us by surprise.
For me, it happened in my mid-thirties—an ordinary therapy session that became a turning point.
The moment that changed everything
I remember feeling a rush of emotion—so strong it showed up physically.
My therapist paused and asked gently, “What are you feeling right now?”
We’ve all been there—someone doesn’t show up, doesn’t reply, or doesn’t do what they said they would.
And before we even realize it, we’re creating a story in our heads to explain why.
The morning that tested my patience
A few years ago, I was meeting a group of friends for a breakfast event.
We were all ready to start—except one person never showed up.
It was inconvenient. We couldn’t begin without him, and he wasn’t answering his phone or responding to emails.
This friend had a reputation for poor communication, so the frustration grew quickly.
The stories we tell ourselves
The longer we waited, the more stories we created.
“He’s so disrespectful not to let us know.”
“He always does this.”
“He’s unreliable.”
“Why did we even include him?”
“Maybe he’s had a medical emergency…”
Each of us had our own version of events—a personal story about what had happened.
And the longer we went without answers, the more our stories hardened into beliefs.
The truth arrives
The next day, an email came through.
He apologized for not letting us know and explained that he had been very unwell with Covid.
He had actually tried to email us the night before to say he couldn’t make it—but in his foggy state, he accidentally sent the message to himself. He only realized his mistake the next morning.
That’s when it hit me:
Our frustration, judgment, and disappointment were all based on our stories—not the story.
The danger of assumptions
When someone disappoints you, it’s easy to fill in the blanks with your own assumptions.
But if you hold too tightly to your version of events, without giving space for theirs, you risk damaging the relationship.
That’s why giving the benefit of the doubt matters.
It’s not about excusing poor behavior—it’s about staying curious enough to understand what’s really going on.
How to stay open and connected
The next time you feel upset or frustrated, pause before reacting.
- Ask yourself: What story am I telling right now?
- Stay curious: What else might be true?
- Communicate calmly: When you do address it, use tact and kindness.
- Be open to their story: Listen first, speak second.
- Forgive when you can: Relationships thrive in understanding, not accusation.
Challenging someone when you’re calm and reflective leads to stronger, more authentic connections.
The lesson
Strong relationships—at work or at home—are built on empathy, understanding, and open communication.
When you give others the benefit of the doubt, you make space for honesty and growth instead of resentment and distance.
Want to learn more about communicating with clarity and empathy in the workplace?
Discover the TUF Thriving Under Fire program and start transforming how you handle difficult moments.
| P.S. We can offer this training online for those who are unable to attend a workshop. We hold public workshops in Wellington throughout the year or in-house workshops anywhere in New Zealand. Get in touch if you want. Call me on 027 246 0411 to chat about how we can help your situation. contact us directly. |
