This week, while travelling, I found myself on the other side of a difficult interaction. Not as the manager or the trainer. Not as the person helping someone else manage conflict.
But as the customer with a complaint.
My wife and I can be considered “difficult customers” by some standards—we’re vegan. We’re used to scanning menus carefully and checking ingredients twice. But this time, the restaurant made it very easy to see something was wrong.
A Simple Order… Gone Wrong
We sat down, chose two clearly labeled vegan options, and waited. When the meals arrived, something immediately stood out.
My dish had an egg sitting right on the plate.
My wife’s burger? Non-vegan mayo.
The table server apologised and took them away to correct the mistake, but by the time the new plates arrived, the delay had pushed us behind schedule. And to add to the confusion, the replacement burger came with a gluten-free bun — which, for the record, is not automatically part of being vegan.
We let that go, finished our meal in a rush, and prepared to leave.
Giving Feedback Isn’t the Hard Part—Being Heard Is
At the counter, I decided to let the owner know what had happened. Nothing dramatic. I simply wanted to share that the mix-up and delay affected our experience.
But halfway through my explanation, she cut me off.
She told me, almost defensively, that the table server was new and didn’t understand what “vegan” meant.
I’m sure that was true.
But it wasn’t what I needed to hear.
In that moment, I didn’t need excuses. I didn’t need an explanation.
I needed to be listened to.
Acknowledged.
Heard.
A simple, “I’m sorry, and thank you for telling us,” would have completely changed the interaction.
Why Defensiveness Makes Feedback Worse
It was clear the owner felt embarrassed. Maybe even attacked. Criticism is uncomfortable—especially when you’re busy, tired, or not the one who personally made the mistake.
But here’s the challenge for anyone receiving feedback:
It’s not about you.
When someone shares a complaint, they’re not usually asking for a breakdown of what went wrong behind the scenes. They simply need their experience validated. They need to express the frustration they’ve been holding onto.
And when we jump straight into excuses, explanations, or justifications, we shut down the very thing they need most: space to speak.
How Are You Responding to Feedback?
In the coming week, pay attention when someone offers criticism:
- Do you get defensive?
- Do you explain and justify before listening?
- Do you rush to fix instead of acknowledging their experience?
Or can you pause, breathe, and be an active listener?
Most conflict isn’t caused by the event itself — but by the way people respond afterward.
So, what about you?
What’s your biggest challenge when hearing feedback or criticism?
I’d love to hear your experience.
Book a Free Game Plan Call today to learn how to handle feedback and conflict with calm confidence.
| P.S. We can offer this training online for those who are unable to attend a workshop. We hold public workshops in Wellington throughout the year or in-house workshops anywhere in New Zealand. Get in touch if you want. Call me on 027 246 0411 to chat about how we can help your situation. contact us directly. |
