I’ve been teaching people to manage emotions for over 25 years. I know the theory and pride myself on practicing the skills I teach.
In the course, you can learn what to do when an upset person ‘goes APE’. (A. P. E.)
A is for ACTION.
P is for PERCEPTION,
E is for EMOTION.
The first thing to do is to ACKNOWLEDGE THE EMOTION.
The lesson for today is that it can be very hard to put this into practice, in the heat of the moment!
Last week, while riding my bike back from the gym in the city, I came to a red traffic light. I was in a hurry and didn’t want to go through the red light, so I dismounted and pushed my bike onto the sidewalk, bypassing the lights. I could then get on my bike in the street around the corner and continue my journey. This is a perfectly legal move.
Unfortunately, when I got back on the bike, I forgot to look for cars coming up behind me on the narrow street. And there was one. The driver braked suddenly. Of course, he was upset; hitting me would have ruined his day! He stopped next to me and yelled through the window, “Just because you are a cyclist doesn’t mean to say you can go through the red light.”
I was affronted. He accused me of breaking the law, which I had been careful not to do.
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His PERCEPTION was wrong, and I tried to tell him that (without acknowledging his emotion first). My words made no impression, and he kept abusing me.
By now, the adrenaline was pumping furiously into my system. I foolishly hurled abuse back, thinking that might put him in his place. Of course, it was even less effective. We could have stood there all day swearing at each other, but cars behind were tooting by this stage, so he drove off after another volley of cuss words.
I’ve pondered what I can learn from that moment these past few days.
- How quickly my defences kicked in.
- How much I wanted to correct his FALSE PERCEPTION of me as a lawbreaker.
- How difficult it is to acknowledge emotions in the heat of the moment.
- How difficult it was to admit my fault for not looking for cars coming behind me.
- How appealing it was to swear back at him in the moment, kidding myself that this would convince him that he was wrong.
- How futile it was to swear back at him.
- How strong feelings dominated the whole situation for him and me.
- How these interactions take time to get over.
- How important it is to look for traffic coming behind.
- How hard it can be to put the nice formula APE into practice.
This example reminds me to be gentle with myself when I get something wrong and make mistakes. I don’t have to be perfect. I do want to keep learning.
Let me know if you have a story about managing emotions that you would like to share!
